Harry Potter and the Cow of Wisdomosity
by LozandBroz
Summary: A co-written, fic that's as zany and bizarre as the title suggests! Ron overhears some mysterious mutterings which leads the trio on a desperate attempt to save a life. Contains mild, implied slash. Please do not read if you will get offended


Harry Potter and The Cow of Wisdomosity-Chapter 1.  
  
Disclaimer-We no owney anything. We wish we owned Dan ,Tom and Sean though.  
  
Each chapter is co-written by Loz and Broz.  
  
~*~Chapter 1~*~Hermione's Secret. (a/n: Broz's bit) Hermione Granger, Fifth Year, walked up the stone steps to Gryffindor Common Room, her arms round a bunch of books, her nose in the air. The jeers of the Slytherins floated up the steps and caught her ears, even when she was on the second flight of steps.Suddenly, she decided that she could bear it no more, she was already tense from anticipating what lay on the next landing.Her worst fear. She had to walk past it every day, and still it put a deep sense of foreboding and fright in her. She stopped, put her books down on a step and leaned over the banister-  
  
"I suppose you think a simple Sonorous will upset me? Well, Malfoy, here's something for you to chew on. I couldn't care less about you and your pathetic, immature insults. Go dream something more intelligent up to say to me, then maybe you'll get more of a bloody reaction!" Fuming, she collected her books and turned to march off, and her nose collided with a black-robed stomach. "Granger. Perhaps you would be so kind as to explain why you are shouting obscenities at my students? In detention, perhaps. With me of a Friday night." Snape frowned satisfactorily down at her. Hermione fluttered for words. "I'm sorry, Professor, but they were making fun of me...and they were using magic in the corrido-"  
  
"-Silence, Granger. 10 points from Gryffindor. No swearing or shouting in the castle."  
  
"..But Professor...they started it and they were breaking school rules too, they used a Sonorous to make me hear what they were saying, they called me a-"  
  
'20 points then, for interrupting a member of staff. Good Evening, Granger  
  
He swept away. Hermione felt tears pricking her eyes. She forced herself to climb the last stair and come face to face with her phobia. She was trying to sweep past and not look at it, when Harry emerged from a wall.  
  
"Hermione! There's something terrible thats happened. We think Filch was trying to put a hex on Dumbledore! Hermione?" Asked Harry, seeing her face. Tearfully, Hermione nodded towards the painting next to him. Harry looked at it.  
  
"Er.....Hermione? It's a cow." Hermione exploded, and Harry wondered whether she's finally got over her bookish personality and taken some kind of drug, as what she said next was so weird.  
  
"I KNOW it's a cow Harry!! That's the whole POINT!!! It's a HORRIBLE, EVIL, WET-EYED, FOREBODING COW!!!!!!!!!" "Er-" "No, no don't! I don't want your sympathy!! Just Leave me alone!! You can't do anything, all right?"  
  
"Actually, Hermione, I was going to say thats it was,um"(here Harry betrayed himself with a small smirk) "Ok. Really. Lets, erm, go up to Ron, yeah? He's got some news on that Hufflepuff he fancies. You know, thingy? Justin Finch-Fletchley!"  
  
Tearfully, Hermione went up the steps in front of him.  
  
Behind her, Harry clung to the banister for support as he cracked up laughing.  
  
(a/n: Loz's bit starts here) Meanwhile, the cow in the portrait looked out at the corridor, having just witnessed the scene between Harry and Hermione.  
  
"Cows have feelings too, you know." she said sadly, to no-one in particular.  
  
*********  
  
Hermione stalked up the stairs and along the corridor to the portrait hole with Harry trailing behind her, still giggling occasionally.  
  
When she reached the portrait, she rounded on Harry. "Harry!" she yelled, exploding with rage for the second time in the space of ten minutes. "It's not funny! How would you feel if Malfoy and his stupid gang of Slytherins called you a mudblood everytime you so much as glanced in their general direction, and the one time you react and tell them to stop, Snape comes along and gives you detention then takes 20 points off Gryffindor, and then to top it all, you have to walk past a portrait you hate!?"  
  
Harry was too taken aback at Hermione's uncharacteristic outburst to point out that he had, on numerous occasions, been called names by Malfoy and the Slytherins before having points taken off Gryffindor by the unfair and vindictive Potions professor, who unfortunately favoured his own students.  
  
However, before he had a chance to reply, the portrait swung open to reveal a tall, thin boy with flaming red hair and an excited expression on his freckled face.  
  
"Harry!" he said to the raven-haired boy in front of him. "I was just coming to find you, did you find Hermi- oh." He broke off, noticing Hermione and her annoyed facial expression.  
  
"What happened?" he asked in a concerned voice.  
  
"Malfoy" said Harry simply.  
  
"Ohhh right" Ron needed no further explanation.  
  
"So, what was the gossip that you were so desperate to tell us?" asked Hermione in a calmer voice.  
  
"Ah, well, Justin and I were sneaking up to the Astronomy tower when we saw Filch trying to sneak into Dumbledore's office, so we hide behind a pillar and watched him. He was near that weird portrait of a cow. And anyway, he was muttering about how he'd had enough, that Dumbledore had had it coming for a long time and deserved it, when Professor Flitwick walked by and asked him to go and clean up a smashed ink well in the Charms classroom then offered to accompany him back up there, so he had no choice but to leave."  
  
"What do you think Filch was talking about?" asked Harry, his emerald eyes wide behind his round glasses.  
  
"Justin and I talked about it, and he said that he's heard Filch talk like that before. We came to the conclusion that he wants Dumbledore dead!" Hermione gasped, whilst Harry looked to be deep in thought.  
  
When he finally spoke, it was in hushed tones.  
  
"I wonder if that portrait of the cow knows anything, we should go and talk to it."  
  
Hermione cried out in horror and dashed through the portrait hole.  
  
Ron turned to Harry and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Mental, that one. I'm telling you." ******  
  
If you enjoyed it, feel free to review. If not, flames will be used to feed our addiction to anything cooked on a barbecue!  
  
Chapter two will be posted as soon as I (Loz) finish writing my part of it. 


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